Elvira—facing life after a death

IT WAS A delight to step into the gym at the Prairie Rose church that Saturday in May of 1996! A spring brunch was happening and flowers were blooming everywhere.

The stage beckoned the winter-weary woman to relax in a rustic garden chair, drink in the beauty of the flowers and enjoy the fact that she needn’t use the garden tools leaning against the wall. One could almost hear robins sing!

Beyond a white picket fence accented by potted geraniums, the tables were spread in pretty spring colors. The buffet tables were loaded with food. Surely consuming that food would go well with the theme: Sharing a Joy.

Elvira surveyed the scene, but did not really see it. She had consented to speak to this group of women, to share of her intense struggle to find joy in the valley of suffering. Her thoughts went back to that blackest of nights, just over two years ago, when she and her husband had received devastating news that their young daughter, Jennifer, had died in a car accident.

Jennifer was in her second year of teaching English at the high school in Rivers, Man. Earlier that week, her young husband had gone for a job interview after completing his studies at Brandon University. Jen was eager to drive to join him that Friday night. The roads were slush-covered and icy because of a local spring storm. A terrible crash resulted in her instant death.

Elvira rose to speak.

"I want to share some of my feelings about how death has touched me and how I’m trying to go on with life," she began. "You may wonder how the topic Sharing a Joy fits with my theme, so maybe we would call it the struggle to find joy in the valley.

"The struggle has forced me to re-evaluate my faith," she went on. "I’ve questioned God in the last two years and shouted in anger at the unfairness of life. And, yes, life is unfair...My faith has become more a matter of the will instead of an emotion. Can I learn to say with Job ‘Even though he slay, yet will I trust him’?

"Facing death seems to put a roadblock in your path and so it forces you to look at your belief. At first after Jen’s death, my mind went into neutral and I was too preoccupied with grief to concentrate on the Bible or prayer...This is why it is very important as a church family to do the praying and interceding. I know it was your prayers that carried us through those dark months when it seemed as if God had closed and bolted the doors...Grieving takes a lot of energy.

"Does it bring heaven closer? At first, the thought of having a child in heaven is not really a comfort. I want my child here to enjoy the future with and present-day platitudes such as ‘she’s in a better place’ or ‘heaven must seem so close now that you have a child there’ are not really a great comfort...I really appreciated the people who didn’t appear to have all the answers...When we feel as if there is no consolation, consoling words often seem like a reproach. I didn’t want someone calling down to me from lofty heights but I rather wanted someone slogging through the mud beside me..."

"Facing death helps you identify with others who are struggling and I think that is why God allows it into our lives...I’ve come to see again and again how people who have suffered are the ones who are compassionate and understanding. They put no pressure on you and you can let your feelings show without fear of judgement.

"Facing the death of a child or loved one often means dealing with guilt. What if I’d called Jen and told her to stay home?...Did I specifically pray for her safety or did I pray hard enough? We tend to blame ourselves and canonize our loved one..."

Elvira closed with the question: "How has this death affected my outlook on life?" She answered:

· "It teaches me to treasure relationships more.

· I’ve acquired a greater enjoyment and awareness of the beauty in creation.

· Learning to again love life means accepting my situation and not letting it paralyze my progress. This requires time and we can’t set limits for others on this.

· Can I learn to laugh again? Laughter is an emotion God has given us and it is a wonderful release for tension...Barbara Johnson says that ‘tears are a wet wash but laughter is like a dry cleaning.’ Both are good cleansing agents.

"I know the road will often by rough and dark but if I cling to the one who holds the future then I will find joy."

When I spoke to Elvira about sharing her experience in coping with grief, she graciously consented in hope that it would help others. She sent me a copy of her presentation. I trust these excerpts will give us insights and guidance when we seek to walk with someone going through the valley of grief.